NINE TOES IN THE GRAVE BY ERIC BEETNER

Nine Toes In The Grave by Eric Beetner
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

”She had the right amount of leg, ample up top, dark hair with light eyes. Pale, pale skin like she was keeping secrets, y’know? Out there, on the side of a highway coming from nothing and going to nowhere, she qualified as a vision.

So, yea, she and I took up together.”

Reese is a busboy in a greasy spoon in the middle of nowhere. Life is baffling for a guy like him because every time he tries to do anything he ends up on the cropped end of the the stick.

He is the short straw guy.

He is the guy that always has to do the shit work because he is always the biggest loser with the least leverage.

So when Moira, the hot wife of his boss, decides to hike her skirt and let him bend her over a restaurant booth, Reese isn’t going to say no. He isn’t going to think to himself, why is this woman, who could have anyone she wants, letting him put the wood to her? Is she bored? Desperate? Or maybe she has a plan for him? The fact is Reese has never even been close to doing a woman as good looking as Moira, so really there is no time for thinking, just time for grabbing this baffling, but once in a lifetime, opportunity.

Sex with Moira is the type of memories a guy likes to keep for when he is on his deathbed. Those last flashbulb photos raising the flag one last time before the Grim Reaper whacks it off with one swing of his scythe.

Reese is a loser used to losing, but the question remains, how much more can a loser lose? When you don’t have any skin in the game (well except for some sweaty quick sex), the only thing a guy like Reese has to lose is his life.

Now if you are hearing the chimes of a Postman Always Rings Twice, you are on the right track. You and I know that Moira is up to no good. She isn’t the type of gal who gives out pity sex or feels the need to dumpster dive for the perverted thrill of it. She has a plan, and that plan involves the early demise of an inconvenient husband.

Reese, well shit, he was born to be the fall guy.

The tank on his car is closer to E than F. He has just enough dollars to give himself illusions of the possibility of escape, but not enough to put a long enough dust trail between him and the electric chair. It is bad enough being a loser, but being a desperate loser...well that just makes him doubly stupid.

He takes a job, too good to be true, for which I have to give Reese credit. He keeps rolling the dice, thinking he is going to see something other than snake eyes staring back up at him. Two guys offer him $500 to go “repossess” a car. He asks a few questions and accepts their nonsensical answers because he has $$ signs in both eyeballs.

Greed, stupidity, and desperation is a cocktail for just about everything that normally goes wrong to go wrong on an epic, turbocharged scale.

How does a man like Reese get accused of two murders (he didn't commit) within the same twenty four hour period? Well, you are just going to have to spin the top off a bottle of Jack and read Nine Toes in the Grave to find out.

”YOU EVER FEEL like the biggest fucking idiot in the world? Well, you’re not. I am.”

The cover art on this book is irresistible. It conveys a hardboiled treat with elegant simplicity. What makes it even more special is that the writer Eric Beetner designed the cover. Kudos to a writer who is also a creative book art designer.

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The Demonists by:Thomas E. Sniegoski

The Demonists by Thomas E. Sniegoski
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I am not big on horror but the premise hooked me. If you are a fan of stuff like the Conjuring, you will dig this. Well developed characters and a big dose of horror mixed in with your urban fantasy.


Horror is not my thing, I will read it but I don't generally seek horror titles out, but the strength of Mr. Sniegoski's writing makes this read worth a look.

If you like the spookiness, check it out

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Borderline by Mishell Baker

Borderline by Mishell Baker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is a terrific start to a new urban fantasy/not fantasy in my view. I say not fantasy because honestly, the fantasy elements were in the story but didn't overpower the story. HOWEVER, it made the pace of the tale, the characters, and the world that much cooler.

Millie, our main character, suffers from mental illness and I applaud the author, as myself someone who suffers from depression, for making her incredibly well rounded and showing all the flaws and cracks in her. I for one am grateful for that.

The world and the story isn't groundbreaking, but it is highly entertaining and I am interested to see where these characters go.


give it a read.

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A Collection of Kids' Books

Be Careful, Mr. Frumble! by Richard Scarry
Reviewed by Jason Koivu
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

* * * The following three books were read and reviewed by me & my niece Emma * * *

I am on a mission to bring the joy of Richard Scarry to my niece. I am determined that one day she will love his work as much as I did as a kid.

I've got a couple things holding me back though. One is the quality differential of illustrated books from my era to today. When I was a kid we had the simple line drawings of Shel Silverstein and we liked it...HELL, WE LOVED IT! We were lucky to have them and we cherished them, damn it! Today the kids have books based on Pixar movies that contain the same 3D, realistically shadowed, professionally rendered, and highly life-like cartoon characters. It's tough to compete with that.

The other issue is Scarry himself. Not necessarily his unfortunate name, which gave me pause as a child, but rather the books themselves. I've picked up two from the library for Emma so far, just what was available at that branch. One was a turd and this one wasn't much better.

Be Careful, Mr. Frumble is about a messy pig who gets his hat blown away by the wind. He spends the whole book chasing after it. He races by bug-eyed anthropomorphic neighbors, by Swiss Alps scenery, alongside a World War I German fighter pilot, through a town, over water, etc. It's quite the long chase, but it's also redundant and not that thrilling. Emma was pressing me on, pushing me to turn the next page. I read at a frantic, excited pace and part of her wanted to see what was next and part of her wanted to finish the thing.

Come on, Scarry, help me out here!




Big Monster, Little Monster by Mary Tillworth
My rating: 3 of 5 stars



A movie tie-in easy-reader for the sequel/prequel to the incredibly successful Monsters, INC. It's about going to college, but the text is extremely basic: "Big monster, Little Monster; Hairy Monster, Bald Monster". It could really be about anything if it weren't for the pictures showing the characters going to school.

Emma whizzed through this one with only one trip up on the word "together". I think she could've gotten it on her own except that she got distracted by the colorful, lively pictures.

Having never heard of the movie Monsters University, because I am old and out of it, I looked it up on IMDB, which led me to click on Billy Crystal's page. On actors' IMDB pages they post billboard pictures of the movies that the actor is known for. Crystal is known for When Harry Met Sally, Analyze This, Monsters INC...and Monsters University???? That's ridiculous! What about City Slickers, Soap or even SNL?! What a travesty!



Crayon Craze! by Mary Tillworth
My rating: 4 of 5 stars



While everyone else is outside playing, a couple girl animals use a crayon to make most everything in the classroom pink.

And why not? Doesn't everyone love pink? Emma sure does and I think that's why she picked out this book. Heck, even I chuckled as Emma read to me about when Ping the Panda paints Worry Bear's monkey pink, because I am childish and things that make me think of private parts still make me laugh.

Anywhooo, Emma was in for a surprise when at the end of the story all the other animals were NOT super happy about all their things being pink! What to do, what to do?! You'll have to read this enjoyable and quite colorful book yourself to find out!

The Emma-o-meter showed a surprisingly wide range of emotions over Crayon Craze!: fun and happiness, shock and bemusement to name a few.

The Word Museum

The Word Museum: The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten by Jeffrey Kacirk
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The Word Museum is a collection of words that have gone into disuse. Some of these words are absolutely marvellous. Rather than quote the entire book, I've selected a word for each letter of the alphabet.

abracadabrant - marvellous or stunning
barley-child - a child born in wedlock but in the first six months of marriage
chaser - a ram that has only one testicle
deosculation - kssing
extranean - an outsider
flamfoo - a gaudily dressed female
gallywow - a man destitute of power of begetting children
haggersnash - a spiteful person
infradig - below or beneath one's dignity
jannocks - fairness
kiddliwink - a small shop
leachcraft - the art of medicine or surgery
mastigophorer - a fellow worthy of being whipped
nicknackitarian - a dealer of curiosities
ogerhunch - any frightful or loathsome creature
papmeat - milk for babies
quignogs - ridiculous notions or conceits
repurple - to make purple again
sand-knocker - a man who grinds sandstone into grit
teaty-wad - a small portion of moist sugar tied up in a rag of linen of the shape and size of a woman's nipple
umstroke - the edge of a circle
vorago - gulf
walapang - to disguise oneself in order to commit theft
xanthodont - having yellow teeth
yesterfang - that which was taken, captured, or caught on the previous day
zythepsary - a brew house

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Bump in the Night

Edited by Rachel Haimowitz
Riptide Publishing
Reviewed by Nancy
4 out of 5 stars

Summary

Turn off the lights . . . and turn on your darkest fantasies.

Demon pacts. Ghostly possessions. Monsters lurking in the depths. The things that go bump in the night frighten us, but they also intrigue us. Fascinate us. Even turn us on.

Join us as fan favorites Ally Blue and Kari Gregg bring over-amorous aquatic beasts to life with their mythic twists on the Siren and the monster in the lake. Erotic horror pros Heidi Belleau, Sam Schooler, and Brien Michaels show us just how sexy scary can be with a pair of demon deals destined to curl your toes and set your heart thrashing. And literary masters Laylah Hunter and Peter Hansen weave haunting worlds where ghosts and dead lovers can touch our hearts (and other, naughtier places too . . .) and teach us lessons from beyond the grave.

By turns exciting, evocative, and exquisitely explicit, the stories in Bump in the Night are sure to scratch your sexy paranormal itch. Explore your wildest fantasies with us in this collection of dark erotic tales.

My Review

★★★ Resurrection Man by Laylah Hunter – Adel St. Claire died prematurely of tuberculosis. Josef Leitner has the means and the tools to bring him back to life. But at what cost? Competently written, vividly descriptive, with an authentic historical feel. Technically, there was nothing wrong with the story, but I wanted less sex and more time spent exploring the consequences of Josef’s actions.

★★★★★ Mating Season by Kari Gregg – Despondent because of his failed marriage and lost job, Danny decides to go on a fall hiking trip at the lake at his best friend Keith’s insistence. Who believes in crazy tales about lake monsters anyway? Danny learns two things – that all tales contain a nugget of truth and best friends are not always trustworthy. This is all kinds of creepy and kinky, and a superb example of erotic horror.

★★★★ Flesh and Song by Ally Blue – Mesmerizing, atmospheric, haunting and dreamlike. I love stories that involve mysterious water dwellers, tranquil settings, and people looking to escape. Ally Blue is no Patricia McKillip, but this is a lovely story that kept me riveted. I think it would have been even better with a little more backstory about Noah so I could have been fully invested in his fate.

★★★ Out From Under by Brien Michaels – Brant tries to leave the demon Fromunder, but he won’t have any of it and Brant’s lover pays with his head. In order to get his lover back, he must help the demon with his plan for revenge. Of course, these things never go as expected. This was a fun, entertaining story that was more humorous than horrific. Some of the scenes were a little over the top, and reminded me of films with too many special effects. Sometimes, less is more.

★★★★ Sleeping With Ghosts by Peter Hansen – Yordan is a Bookman, a priest who takes souls for those born without one. This was a gently written, haunting, immersive story with a surprising twist. Very well done.

★★★★★ Blasphemer, Sinner, Saint by Heidi Belleau and Sam Schooler – This story deserves all the stars! Tobias is devoted to his good works and to God, but he is a deeply troubled and conflicted man. Once David enters his life again, sickly and dying, Tobias scorns him for his flagrant sexuality and his life decisions. Their youthful experimentation is a source of shame for Tobias, and he wants David to follow a righteous path. Tobias meets a strange man in church, who knows all his thoughts, feelings, his arrogance and harsh judgment. Making a dark deal will change both men’s lives forever.

I am familiar with a few of the authors here, so was really thrilled to get the opportunity to read this anthology. These stories are dark and should appeal to those readers who enjoy demons, spirits, sea monsters and sexy times that are not necessarily pleasurable.

A great collection!

Vicious

Vicious by V.E. Schwab
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Victor and Eli began their relationship as college roommates. They even became friends in their own way. When Eli comes up with a theorem on how to create extraordinary abilities the two young men become lab partners, assistants, and guinea pigs. Things don't go as smoothly as they had hoped. 10 years later Victor walks out of prison with one objective, to get revenge on Eli. Over the same 10 year period Eli now going by the name Ever believes he has been reborn as an angel of death, executing all those he can find with extraordinary abilities.

Vicious introduces the world to two of the most unlikeable people you could meet, Victor and Eli. They are both insufferable arrogant pricks who aren't concerned with much more than themselves. It's a rare thing when the protagonist and antagonist are so unlikable, but by the end I was rooting for one more than the other.

Fortunately Vicious has one character that is easy to like in Sydney. Sydney is a completely innocent 12 year old girl and her ability is one that couldn't directly be used to harm anyone. While she is young, she's not foolish or blinded by her self importance like Eli. Sydney at one point thinks she isn't sure if good exists, but she doesn't see it because it's coming from her.

V.E. Schwab certainly came up with an intriguing method for how to empower ordinary people...it's frightening, but intriguing. The powers themselves also had a genuinely unique feel to them even though some of the powers are commonplace in the comic book world.

Vicious is a tale of revenge that stretches over a long period of time while being told in flashbacks and the present. If you like your protagonists semi to fully evil then I imagine you'll enjoy Vicious.

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A Darker Shade of Magic

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Kell has the rare power to travel between parallel worlds. He's from London, the Red London. Red London is a nice place where magic flows freely and smells like flowers. He's able to travel to two other London's Grey and White London. Grey London is a man built place where magic doesn't exist. White London is a horror where magic is fading and people kill for any little bit of it. There was once a Black London, but it's the stuff of nightmares and legends.

Kell is an adopted Prince in Red London because of his powers. He travels to each London to carry correspondence between their respective rulers. He also has the bad habit of smuggling between worlds which is highly illegal. When something goes terribly wrong after returning from White London, Kell is forced to flee to Grey London where he encounters Delilah Bard who happens to be a thief. After robbing him Lila finds herself helping him save all the worlds.

A Darker Shade of Magic is one imaginative tale. From the travel between Londons to the blood magic of Kell creativity is abounding.

The complexity of the world lead to the first 100 or so pages to be all world building. The storyline was light so it wasn't hard to get through, but I did find myself wondering if there was actually a plot to the story. The plot is there and it's the standard solid save everything from evil story.

The biggest weakness I found in the book were the characters. I was indifferent regarding Kell, his family, his bad habits, and his life in general. I'm not weeping tears because he didn't feel as though he was hugged enough by his adoptive parents. I really just didn't like Lila. She was obnoxious and she took Barron's father like love for granted. He didn't ask anything from her yet she just kept taking from him. Taking was what she was good at though. Her transformation as a character felt totally unwarranted. All the other characters felt pretty standard and didn't draw my attention.

A Darker Shade of Magic is a solid yet unspectacular story.

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PRINCE OF FOOLS (THE RED QUEEN'S WAR #1) BY MARK LAWRENCE

Prince of Fools by Mark Lawrence
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

”I’m a liar and a cheat and a coward, but I will never, ever, let a friend down. Unless of course not letting them down requires honesty, fair play or bravery.”

Prince Jalan Kendeth is tenth in line for the throne. His grandmother, the spry 70 year old Red Queen, may have prudently dropped him down the list due to a whole host of his self inflicted bouts of poor conduct. He doesn’t exactly stipulate his disgruntlement, but we get the idea that he believes he might be more deserving of, say, eighth in line. I think we can all agree though that several warm bodies between Jalan and the throne is an excellent idea.

As I’ve watched the Windsor boys grow up, one of the things that has always made me smile to think about is how much more fun Prince Harry can have being the spare rather than what Prince William can have being the heir presumptive. Prince Charles I always think of as the man who is still waiting. He is trying to live long enough to be king, but with each passing year he looks more and more fragile, while his mother, Queen Elizabeth, looks like she is good to go for decades yet.

Prince Jalan is even further removed from the throne than Prince Harry, though if William and Katherine keep having children, Harry might find himself someday in the double digits on the list of succession. Not a problem for Harry, and really, truth be known, Jalan doesn’t want the responsibility of...well...anything. He drinks too much when funds allow him. He gambles too recklessly whenever someone will extend him credit. He has one sore finger, barely healed, from the last time he didn’t pay his debts. He is glib of tongue and has hands that deftly survey the landscape of a woman’s body well before she has even decided yes or no. Jalan often finds himself making a mad dashes for freedom from a woman’s bed chamber, a half step ahead of her well armed and murderous relatives.

Jalan is not a very likeable person. He is not a very productive or useful person, and it isn’t such a bad thing that he is a natural born coward, but it is annoying that he constantly reminds us about his lack of courage. “Humanity can be divided into madmen and cowards. My personal tragedy is in being born into a world where sanity is held to be a character flaw.” After all, few of us know how we would react in the midst of a battle until we are actually in the middle of a conflict. I could see myself screaming and running as fast as I can in the other direction if I’m faced with a line of giant Vikings or even midget ninjas. Or I might be overcome with bloodlust and charge like a bloody fool with the intent of planting my battle axe into someone’s skull. I don’t know and frankly hope I never will, but if I proved cowardly, I would do my best to gloss over that detail.

My sneaking suspicion is that Jalan is not the coward he thinks he is. He just may not have encountered the proper motivation to be courageous.

His grandmother, the Red Queen, has a sister called the Silent Sister, who for whatever reason seems to have a special affinity for haunting Jalan. She gives him the heebie jeebies.

She turned that awful face towards me, one eye dark, the other milk and pearl. It had felt hot, suddenly, as if all the great hearths had roared into life with one scorching voice, sparked into fury on a fine summer’s day, the flames leaping from iron grates as if they wanted nothing more than to be amongst us.

She curses him. Well, in the Broken Empire how is one to know if someone cares for them if they don’t put a big, fat, nasty curse on them. This curse is a pairing curse, and Jalan finds himself with an albatross around his neck in the form of a Viking so large that he makes other Vikings look like underfed wastrels. His size is not the problem, but his desire to launch himself into the middle of every conflict he encounters is a huge problem. See, the curse doesn’t allow Jalan to ever be very far away from the Viking, so whenever Snorri Ver Sagason decides to make a mess of blood and guts out of someone or a whole tribe of someones, Jalan is forced to be right in the middle with him.

They must break this curse before Snorri gets Jalan killed!

Now this story is running parallel to the Broken Empire trilogy starring Jorg Ancrath. Jorg and Jalan exist in the same world, but that is about as much as they have in common, and in this book they even breath the same air for a very brief amount of time. The meeting that left me chortling was between Jalan and Katherine Ap Scorron, who has a relationship with Jorg Ancrath that would be labelled complicated on Facebook. I was already wincing before there was an audible double crack. “I've always felt that the placement of a man's testicles is an eloquent argument against intelligent design.” Jalan discovers that Katherine, despite how she looks, is not a hot house orchid waiting to be plucked by any random prince who happens to find her mildly attractive.

Despite his murderous tendencies, I warmed to Jorg rather quickly, but I found myself struggling to appreciate Jalan as much as I thought I should. He is honest about himself almost to a fault, but he lacks that ambitious drive that made me begrudgingly respect Jorg. The world that Mark Lawrence has created in the Broken Empire trilogy continues to be extended in Prince of Fools. I am certainly curious as to where Lawrence will take his characters next and what more he will reveal about this world forever altered by the explosions of thousands of suns.

I’ve officially called off the search and undisclosed reward I called for to find Mark Lawrence in my review of King of Thorns. My agents must have been getting close, despite the slippery cold warrior tactics of Mr. Lawrence because he finally capitulated and sent me a signed copy of Prince of Fools. Thank you, Mark, for your generosity, but really, was it the Nubian Nightmare or the Russian Wrecker who finally made the writing pen tremble in your hand?

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Snakewood by Adrian Selby

Snakewood by Adrian Selby
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Ok, I am a bit torn, first of all, Snakewood has a extremely cool idea for a fantasy world, and then wrap it in one of the most difficult, obtuse ways to tell your story, in another words..not good.

I read reviews for this before hand, so I knew that it jumped perspectives and viewpoints so IF you go into the book with that in mind, it takes a bit of the edge off, but if you DON'T, you will drop it quick. That is a shame because there is hints of cool all throughout and I am intrigued once you get past the author trying to be all "fancypants" with his storytelling.

If you like the grimdark fantasy and willing to suffer a little bit, check this out, the story pacing is all over the damn place and there is NOT a likeable character in the bunch, there is a very interesting concept behind the world and honestly me being a world building freak, my three stars are almost solely based on it.

So dear readers, I leave the choice up to you, take a chance or not.

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